Is Goal Setting Failing You?

Taking the stage at the 2024 Royal Victoria Marathon

Two years ago I was third in the Royal Victoria Marathon - the granddaddy of Canadian marathons. Before you send flowers, I should add I was in the 65+ category and there were only about 30 of us with good enough knees to give it a go. Victoria is a favourite of mine and to be back running marathons after over a dozen years was reward enough. I didn’t make it to the award ceremony, but if I had I would have been grinning from ear to ear.

Last year I trained even harder and came in second. This time I made it to the awards and after we were called to the stage to receive our medals, the runner who beat me steered my way. “You know,” he started with a grin, “I spotted you with just 500 meters to go, figured you were in my age group, so put on the gas and passed you.”

Ouch! Suddenly, instead of thinking how amazing it was to stand on the podium, I was thinking how close I came to winning!

Win or lose

When you set a goal you either make it, or don’t: win or lose. When I ran Victoria I was doing it for fun. That year, I already had two marathons under my belt (including Boston) and Victoria was just for fun. Getting on the podium with a third place finish was thrilling. To know I came that close to winning - well, that felt like a bit of a loss.

My Small Wins framework is all about getting started without expectations. The objective is to get your flywheel of progress spinning so big boulders in life start rolling. The goal - at least initially - is not the finish line.

There are three stages to creating Small Wins: Aware, Better, and Commit.

Aware

Aware: When I recognize a “Gap” in life (something I want to start, stop or change) I pause and ask: “What will this cost me?” This is very different from self-doubt: “why am I always….?”, or blame: “Why is this always happening?” Being aware is considering the choice of either not doing anything - or taking a small step toward what you want. Either way, there is a cost.

Recently, I wanted to connect with male friends on a more meaningful level. 

For over 20 years I was a part of small ‘men’s groups’ who met on a regular basis to talk about life, relationships, and personal growth. These are very different conversations from the usual ‘bro’ talk at the gym or after a hard workout. 

I always looked forward to my men’s group meeting and missed not having them in my life. Late last year, I determined the time was right to form a new group.

Better

Better: The next step in the Small Wins framework is to ask “What would better look like?” Again, this is very different from asking “What would winning, or achievement, or completion look like?” My motivation is to start the flywheel spinning and only then guide it to where I want it to go.

For me, ‘better’ was to call up a few friends to meet for coffee and to share my plan. I started with a work colleague I’d known for over 20 years. And then one more and another and eventually, over the course of about six weeks, I’d had conversations with six men. 

Commit

Commit: The third step is to take action. “Action may not always bring happiness,” wrote former British Prime Minister, Benjamin Disraeli, “but there is no happiness without action.” I announced my plans and, after one delay to sort out calendars, five of us sat down for the first “Fuller Men’s Group.” We committed to meet bi-weekly and tonight is our third meeting. By the way, the double entendre is that we are hopefully ‘fuller men’ as a result of our meetings and we meet at my house on Fuller Road.

Here’s the best part. It turns out I wasn’t the only on a similar mission. “At the start of the year,”  one guy shared at our first meeting, “I wrote ‘friendships’ on my vision board”. Another wrote in an email how my invitation was ‘perfect timing.’

Start

"Every moment is a fresh beginning." wrote poet T.S. Eliot and every problem is a fresh beginning waiting to happen. We all have ‘gaps’ that rub up against our ideals and irritate our best intentions. Often a little curiosity (“What will this cost me?”) can fuel a small flame that might just light up what you were looking for all along. 

I recently led a small experiment to introduce people on my mailing list to the Small Wins framework. I met with each person online for just 45 minutes to introduce them to the model and help them identify one gap they would tackle. In just four weeks progress was made on gaps that included making sales calls, writing music, personal stress management, online promotion, writing a book and many more. 

I am constantly finding ways to employ Aware, Better, Commit for projects and lifestyle changes I am working on. The biggest project has been updating the 60,000-word book I published 14 years ago. More on that to follow.

Life is too short to have regrets. What are you waiting for?

Other posts about Small Wins:

Why I ran the Boston Marathon
Why little steps are the path to big rewards
Just ask