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Why you need to let go to get what you want

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“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Hermann Hesse.

It’s a funny twist of thinking that we often value what we have more than what we could have. The shirt we stopped wearing long ago still hangs in our closet – as if one day we’ll change our mind and it will become our favourite again.

The worn out shoes that carried us to work day after day still have their place on the shoe rack. And even though most books you own will never get opened again, they’re still there – crammed into an already full bookshelf.

But, don’t worry – we’re all like this.

The Endowment Effect

At a convention, experimental economist John List wanted to test the strength of our attachment to what we already have.

He posted a sign asking delegates to complete a small survey about their experience at the convention, for which they would be rewarded with a small gift of either a chocolate bar or coffee mug, of equal value. The rewards were assigned at random.

But, as the volunteers were about to leave, List said to each one “We gave you a mug (or chocolate bar), but you can trade for a chocolate bar (or mug) instead if you wish.”

Given that the gift was given at random, you might think people would have little attachment to their gift. But, in fact, only 18% were willing to exchange their gift for the other.

This bias in the human psyche is known as the Endowment Effect—we endow more value on something because it’s already in our possession – even if it has very little real value.

And this isn’t something that we do only in weak moments—it’s hard-wired into our design.

Brain imaging confirms that selling something you would normally use (like a coffee mug, or an old pair of shoes) activates regions in the brain associated with pain and disgust. Whereas, buying something at a discounted price activates pleasure regions of the brain.

Hanging on to baggage

The frustration comes when we talk about amazing changes we want to make in our life, while desperately hanging onto baggage that holds us back.

We talk about the changes we want to make in our life, while desperately hanging onto baggage that holds us back. Click To Tweet

Earlier this year I reduced my office space by half. I no longer needed room for a full-time staff person and so now I have one office space, instead of two. This change meant I had to clear out a storage room, including one very full filing cabinet I no longer had room for.

But, the last thing I wanted to spend a Saturday doing was going through old files. So I put it off.

For two months.

Finally, the day came – I had a morning set aside to do the dirty work. I was determined to get it done, cleaned up and to be out of there in three hours. I knew that examining old files, one by one, would be horribly tedious.

So I went with feelings.

When it came to accounting and client records, it was pretty straightforward: keep the last 7 years. But when it came to program notes and one-off projects (which I had over 10 years of) I would hold the file in my hand – if it felt warm I’d keep it. If not, it went to recycling.

One hour later I had 2 banker boxes of files saved, 5 large boxes going to recycling and a very empty filing cabinet.

More importantly, I felt great.

As I tossed each file into recycling it was like a stake being pulling out of the ground. This job that I’d been putting off for months was, in the end, no big deal. The effort I had to put in was nothing compared to how free it made me feel.

In just one hour I had lifted a big burden off my back.

In my life, clutter makes me feel burdened and distracted, as do long lists of tiny commitments that overshadow really important work.

Moving on

I’m not going to pretend I know what you need to let go of. What I do know is letting go is always a part of moving on.

It could just be letting go of some old clothes, or books, or clutter. But it could also be letting go of a relationship, or commitment, or goal that’s holding you back.

What I do know is letting go is always a part of moving on. Click To Tweet

When I coach speakers, they often need to let go of some grandiose plan of travelling first class to sold-out auditoriums and instead get comfortable with smaller steps to success.

When I facilitate planning sessions, people usually need to let go of all the things they could do and focus instead on what they must do. Once they let go of low-value goals they can harness more attention for what really counts.

In my life, clutter makes me feel burdened and distracted, as do long lists of tiny commitments that overshadow really important work.

It’s all about letting go and letting life in.

Letting go and letting life in

There is an old story of two zen monks travelling along a road. The older of the two stops to help a woman cross a river, only to be insulted by the woman.

Hours later the other monk expressed anger about the abuse his colleague endured. “I can’t believe how rude that woman was!” said the monk, “When all you were trying to do was trying to help!”

To which the older monk replied, “I set the woman down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”

What do you need to let go of?

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About Hugh Culver

Speaker, author, athlete and founder of BlogWorks. I speak and write about getting stuff done and the art of growing younger.

Categories: Blog, Habits, Productivity Tagged: brain, habits, health, productivity

Comments

  1. A Ferris says

    October 8, 2017 at 7:11 am

    The timing of this article is perfect, I’m cleaning out my office!

    Reply
  2. Janet Hagerman says

    October 8, 2017 at 10:42 am

    I love this blog. I know this of course, just need to be reminded! love the monk tale too. thanks for the good work.

    Reply
    • Hugh Culver says

      October 11, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      Janet – I’m hoping it was also a timely reminder for you.

      Reply
  3. Ceci Garrett says

    October 8, 2017 at 5:00 pm

    Great content! As someone with expertise in helping those with Hoarding behaviors—excessive saving and collecting—I would encourage your readers that emotions may be exactly why they ARE stuck!

    It’s great for many to decide what to keep based on what makes them feel warm, but for many, attachments have been made with too many objects.

    Why? This is what everyone wants to know. As though knowing why solves the problem, yet sadly it doesn’t.

    Why? Because our objects trigger feelings and memories. Because our possessions can trigger positive feelings without a perceived ability to harm the owner. Sometimes it’s even more morbid—because the item rehashes a perceived offense that we’ve been unable to release.

    But the more important question is—how do I begin to let go of these things I’ve placed too much (or displaced) meaning in?

    Start by knowing what your goal is. Next, if in question about the value of an item, ask yourself, “Does this item actually help me get to my goal?”

    Just as packing for a trip requires a limit on what I take with me, reachinga future goal does as well. And never be afraid to find a trusted friend to help you bounce thoughts off.

    Here’s to achieving the future you want without all the unnecessary attachments (stuff!) from the past!

    Reply
    • Hugh Culver says

      October 11, 2017 at 3:24 pm

      Thanks Ceci – this is a great reply to my article. This is a great question: “Does this item actually help me get to my goal?”

      Reply
  4. Jen says

    October 8, 2017 at 8:26 pm

    I like the article but I still don’t know how to let go of the baggage.

    Reply
    • Hugh Culver says

      October 11, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      Thanks Jen. That’s the ultimate question and sorry I didn’t cover that. Maybe I have to do a follow up post on steps to letting go!
      In the meantime, I practice a simple practice of awareness, acknowledgement, decision (I choose to focus on this, instead of that), application. It sounds so clinical, but whether it’s this formula, or another, they all rest on a couple of well-worn principles:
      1) We can’t feel both happy and sad at the same time. So, when you shift your feelings, it’s a one-way street.
      2) Our behaviours lead our thinking/feeling. When we act as we want to be we begin to feel as we want to feel.

      Ok, you’ve inspired to write part II!

      Reply

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